Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Items from the LILITH VERNON Catalogue:



  1. A MUDDY HALF-BOOT ELEVATED ON A PLASTIC PILLAR One genuine brown leather boot, besmeared with mud from the left bank of Paris. Included is a durable plastic pillar, measuring 36”. Comes in Black, Ivory or Puce.

  1. NEON CROWN OF THORNS.  A Beautiful and pious crown of thorns like the one worn by Our Lord. Our version is in bright and cheerful neon and will banish the blues. Comes with a 6 foot cord in either black or white.

  1. EGG-FLAVORED LOLLYPOP MELTING ON A DUSTY TELEVISION SET. Rare egg-flavored lollypop gracefully melts on the top of a vintage black and white Magnavox television set. Genuine imported dust imparts a homey touch.

4.  VACUUM CLEANER FILLED WITH LIME DENTAL FLOSS AND LUSCIOUS CHOCOLATE NAZIS Sure to be a hit with the little woman. Real Hoover Vacuum Cleaner’s bag is filled with tasty and healthful lime Dental Floss that has been blessed by the AMA. Small Chocolate Nazis, wrapped in gunmetal foil in the shapes of your favorite Genocidal Maniacs complete your gift.

  1. A DIRTY MAGAZINE ILLUSTRATING COPULATING SNAKES  Ooh-la-la! Treat your favorite reptile to this racy depiction of many species of snakes “getting it on” in Nature’s way! On glossy magazine stock paper, thoughtfully wrapped in brown paper.

  1. A CEMENT CAMISOLE  An unusual and striking addition for any gal’s wardrobe. Silky cement will accentuate the figure and get you noticed. Comes in Pearl Gray only.

  1. LACE AEROPLANE  Who says air travel has to be boring? This Aeroplane will add a touch of class to the sky. Both titillates and teases with peek-a-boo frills.

  1. A GASOLINE POWERED TULIP.  Tired of boring “natural” tulips? This one will get you moving! Uses the same gas you use in your car. No need to mix in messy 2-stroke oil.  Gets up to 20 MPG and compliments any décor.

  1. A RAT-INFESTED LIMOUSINE HURTLING DOWN THE AUTOBAHN.  One Silver Shadow Rolls Royce filled to the brim with peppy Norway Rats. Watch it careen, driverless, down your choice of German freeway or “autobahn”. Fun for the whole family.

  1.  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (No Longer Available)
  2. a scream from a bulbous sky. Ignore it.
  3.  A SOAP BUBBLE ON A CHILD’S LAUGHING HEAD (no longer available)
  4.  POWDERED-GARLIC FLAVORED CANDIES. Choice amber-colored hard candies with the deliciously odd flavor of Shilling Powdered Garlic. 12 to a can.

  1. ONE TON OF BRIGHT RED SNOW Be the envy of your neighbors with unique red snowfall. Made from recycled slaughterhouse blood, it will brighten the holidays while fertilizing the lawn. Also available in Gangrene.

  1. A CELLOPHANE WRISTWATCH An ingenious new kind of watch that will match any ensemble.This stylish, sleek watch is made from the finest available grade of pure cellophane. Your choice of “Scotch Yellow” “Holiday Green” or “Red Hot”. Guaranteed not to run.

  1. ONE THOUSAND PENISES FILLING AN ELASTIC OFFICE BUILDING Lovely “postmodern” office building filled with high-quality HD penises. Cut out the guesswork and know “up-front” who you’re dealing with when you “come to work” every morning. 

  1. ROOM ON THE THIRD FLOOR WITH A SEA INSTEAD OF A RUG  Why go with old fashioned Deep-pile when you can have Deep-SEA? Think of all the fun you’ll have cavorting in the waves.

  1. SILK MIRROR  Accept no imitations! This is REAL silk, not rayon or nylon. In Taupe or Sheer.

  1. COPSE FULL OF FLIES AND IRIDESCENT BROWN BEETLES (No Longer Available due to Climate Change).
  2. CERTIFIED SALVADOR DALI SOUVENIR BUST, MADE OF EARWAX  Everyone’s favorite Surrealist modeled in rare Andalusian Earwax. A real conversation starter at any party or get-together. Each bust comes with a certified certificate of authenticity.

  1. A CLOUD OF IODINE AND SULFUR FUMES SHOOTING SPARKS THROUGH LAKE MICHIGAN  Spectacular and unsettling, this item may move you like no other. Not available in Alaska or Hawaii.

  1. WILDLY FLEXING SPINE IN AN ELEVATOR  Think of the fun you’ll have riding in a Real Otis Elevator while being entertained by a wildly flexing Human Spine! Fun and Instructive for the whole family.

  1. COLLECTION OF CHARLES MANSON DESIGNER NOSE-HAIRS  Guaranteed to be from the nose of famed psychopath Charles “Chucky” Manson these quality items are uniquely styled by fashion experts for that “up-to-the-minute” look in nasal accessories.

  1. ELECTRIC MASHED POTATOES  Tired of the same old boring mashed potatoes? These will add plenty of zip to your next hot meal.  Each serving contains at least 120 volts of joltin’ excitement with every satisfying bite. (Check with your Dentist: Not recommended for people with metal fillings or electrical allergies).


Prices will vary according to Relative Humidity in your area.

Please send your questions to screamingneedle@desperation.net





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